The Alternate Universe
by PataTakeru
Summary: a romance ficcy. chap 2 up, asuka and rei battle for shinji's attention online. will he survive the next chappy? REVIEW plz
1. Upskirt?

While scrolling through the eva fics at fanfiction.net, I thought to myself. ¡°Why oh why are there so few eva humor stories??¡± And after reading _Cupid¡¯s Arrow_ by Ishagu, I decided to finally write this fic, which I¡¯ve been thinking about for some time. It takes place in the universe Shinji dreamed up during the last episode of the series. What if that¡¯s the way things actually happened? Well, here¡¯s my take at it.

I do not own any of these characters. Someday I hope someone says that about the ones I create on my own spare time. J

Also, to work off what actually happens, I¡¯m taking everything word for word as it appears in the series this first chapter...I hope I can¡¯t get sued for that or nothing...having to sell my pickle collection would devastate me...

Note: There are some weird characters every time I put a ... or a comma, or something like that. I think its with quotes too. Sorry! I¡¯ll fix it as soon as possible!

¡°Baka Shinji!¡±

*gasp* Shinji¡¯s eyes suddenly opened as she was shocked from his sleep. It was strange how every morning he seemed to be unsure where he was.

¡°It¡¯s about time you got up. Shinji, you idiot.¡±

Shinji rubbed his sleepily eyes, saying the same thing he said every morning. ¡°Ah, what is it Asuka...¡± He yawned a bit, trying to get that morning taste out of his mouth.

¡°What¡¯s that supposed to mean?! Can¡¯t you appreciate the fact that I went to the trouble of coming to wake you up?!¡±

Shinji had grown accustomed to all this yelling as was trying to decide whether or not to go back to sleep.

¡°Don¡¯t you have any words of appreciation for your oldest childhood friend?!¡±

¡°Ah...arigato...but let me sleep just a little longer...¡±

¡°What are you doing?!¡± Asuka was never one to put up with disobedience, especially from Shinji. Raising her fist in anger she quickly grabbed Shinji¡¯s bed sheets and threw them off. ¡°It¡¯s time for you to get up!¡±

*gasp* Asuka pulled back, her red face of embarrassment was quickly replaced with a red face of anger from which countless innocent young boys have fled from in terror. 

¡°YOU STUPID PERVERT!¡±

*SMACKAGE!!*

¡°I can¡¯t believe you got one of those!!¡±

¡°I can¡¯t help it, it¡¯s morning!!¡±

Shinji¡¯s pen-pen doll bobbled his little head in the background as he tried covering himself. In the kitchen his mother was washing the dishes to the sound of the TV weather forecast.

¡°Oh, my, Asuka is so sweet to come pick him up every morning, and he doesn¡¯t appreciate it.¡±

Gendo replied, distracted by the day¡¯s paper, a grunt-like, ¡°Uh.¡±

¡°Dear, you have to get ready too.¡±

¡°Uh¡±

¡°Gosh,¡± she said with a pleasant frown, ¡±You¡¯re just like Shinji.¡±

¡°Are you ready?¡±

¡°Anytime,¡± she said with approval, ¡°I¡¯m the one who gets complaints from Professor Fuyutsuki if you¡¯re late for the meeting.¡±

¡°That¡¯s true. He¡¯s your biggest fan.¡±

¡°Oh you! Cut that out and get ready!¡±

¡°I understand, Yui.¡±

Asuka waited impatiently by the door as Shinji slowly dressed. 

¡°Hurry up!¡±

¡°I know! You¡¯re such a pain in the ass sometimes, Asuka!¡±

¡°What did you say?!?¡±

*MORE SMACKAGE*

Shinji stood by the front door, a large red hand covering his face, waiting for Asuka to put her shoes on.

¡°We¡¯re leaving now! Itenkimas(sp?)!¡± she said cheerfully. 

¡°Itenkimas,¡± he said sullenly.

¡°See you later sweetie! C¡¯mon dear put the newspaper down!¡±

¡°Uh...I understand...Yui...¡±

Outside Shinji and Asuka ran down the sidewalk against the large traffic jam. They were accustomed to running, as Shinji was accustomed to waking late.

¡°

¡°Hey, isn¡¯t there a new student starting today?¡± he asked.

¡°Yeah that¡¯s right! Since the city¡¯s going to become the new capital, they¡¯re a lot of people moving in. It¡¯s no wonder we¡¯re getting so many new kids.¡±

¡°Oh, that makes sense. I wonder what she¡¯s like?¡± He said with dreamy eyes, ¡°I hope she cute!¡±

Asuka scowled at an oblivious Shinji.

Just around the corner, a certain blue haired girl was running for all she was worth. 

¡°Oh, I¡¯m late! I¡¯m late!! I can¡¯t be late for the first day!¡±

The piece of toast bounced, held by her teeth, as she tried to eat it while she ran.

Panting heavily, she nearly screamed as a brown haired boy ran around the corner and suddenly,

*SMASH!!*

Shinji held his head, trying to get his wits together. The blue haired girl clutched her head as well, her toast now a snack for the birds.

¡°Huh?¡±

¡°Huh? AH!¡± She suddenly pulled back down her skirt and jumped up. ¡°I¡¯m sorry! I¡¯m in a hurry!!¡±

With that she started to run down the sidewalk once more. Shinji just sat there, still able to see the white cotton glory as she ran away.

¡°I¡¯m really very sorry!¡± she yelled back.

Shinji sighed in curious manner.

Asuka growled in a pissed manner.

¡°WHAT?!¡±

At the school Toji could hardly believe it. ¡°Did you see her panties?!¡±

¡°Well, it wasn¡¯t a very good look. Just a little flash,¡± said Shinji with a taunting grin.

¡°AAAAH! I can¡¯t believe you¡¯re the one who gets all the luck!!¡±

Toji grabbed his face in disbelief just as Hikari grabbed his ear, demanding his attention.

¡°AaaAACK! What are you doing, class rep!!¡±

¡°Suzuhara! Just what exactly were you talking about? Go change the water in the flower vase right now! You understand?¡±

¡°You¡¯re so mean!¡±

¡°Nani?!¡±

Shinji leaned back and sighed a bit. ¡°Poor Toji¡¯s so hen-pecked. It¡¯s sad, isn¡¯t it?¡±

¡°Look who¡¯s talking.¡±

Shinji quickly turned back to Asuka behind him. ¡°Are you saying that I¡¯m easily manipulated?¡±

¡°I¡¯m merely reporting the facts.¡±

¡°How so?!¡±

¡°It just is. Accept it.¡±

¡°Why do you always treat me like this?! You always...OW! That hurts you idiot!¡±

Kensuke just sat back, grinning to the sound of more yelling. ¡°The calm. The peace and tranquility...aaaaah!¡±

Suddenly, screech marks and the smell of burning rubber marked the sounded the highlight of the morning. Shinji and Toji pulled away from their abusive counterparts and joined a drooling Kensuke at the window.

*In unison* ¡°It¡¯s Misato sansei!!¡±

She stepped out of her red sports car, waving her purple hair and smiling to the sweet chime music being imagined by the three waving students.

¡°ooOOOH!! Misato sensei is so gorgeous!!¡± the three said together as they returned her victory symbol, grinning from ear to ear.

*Asuka and Hikari* ¡°Look at those three stooges! Baka-des!¡±

The school bell rang as Hikari sounded the usual STAND! BOW! SIT! commands. Misato looked at the students as if she had a special secret with each one of them.

¡°Lighten up dude! We¡¯ve got a new blue-haired babe here to introduce herself!!¡±

¡°My name is Ayanami Rei! Nice to meet you!¡±

¡°GAH!¡± Shinji did a slight giant double take as he recognized the face, the hair, and the skirt.

¡°HEY! You¡¯re the jerk who was staring at my panties!!¡±

¡°Hey, what do you mean by that?!¡± yelled Asuka as she jumped from her seat, ¡°You¡¯re the one that was flashing them at Shinji!!¡±

¡°Who are you and why are you defending him? Are you guys doing it?¡±

¡°GAH! Uh...wha...NO! We¡¯re just really good childhood friends!! You shut up!!¡±

¡°Be quiet you two!¡± Hikari stood up, getting in the mix of it, ¡°We¡¯re in a class, not a bar!¡±

¡°Hey! This is more entertaining then class! I want to see how this turns out. Please continue!¡±

The class all laughed together to Misato¡¯s coy remarks as Asuka slowly sat back down embarrassed. Shinji was still in a state of shock, Hikari was pissed, and Rei just kept glaring.

What a wonderful start

To the perfect day

Finished! Tell me what you think! Every kind of review is appreciated! The sooner I get ¡®em, the sooner I update!


	2. Chat or Die

Chapter 2  
  
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Well, I keep getting these complaints over and over and over and well, HERE is my actual ORIGINAL work for all of you out there who thought all I'd do is cheese of the TV section and end at that. I guess you can tell me what you REALLY think now....*sigh* I must warn u though, I don't think it's as funny as the series shows it. Oh well, like it or lump it, u just better review.  
  
Oh, and I do own Evangelion, but only in my dreams. Outside of that, it's a completely different story.  
  
Oh, and I double spaced quotes just to make certain ppl happy. Seriously, I think I'm catering too much.  
  
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Part 2: Chat or Die  
  
The classroom was disturbingly quiet as the new girl took her seat. Shinji was still petrified and Asuka was planning murder. Hikari was speechless, thinking what in the world could she have done wrong to steer these poor children into such awful direction. Toji and Kensuke, however, could hardly keep from laughing their heads off. This would give them taunting material for a whole week, nay, month.  
As Rei passed Shinji she winked discreetly. It woke him out of his state of shock, and he realized the whole class was staring at the panty peeking pervert.  
  
  
  
The rest of the uneventful morning passed uneventfully. After the morning's embarrassing fiasco, Ms. Misato slowly lost interest in teaching, her head nodding every few seconds as she taught the day's algebra assignment. Finally, she gave up trying to get her head straight and assigned book work for a few hours. She used the gained time to pleasantly curl up in a catnap on her desk, asking herself for the two thousandth, four hundredth, and ninety fourth time in her life why she had ever decided to teach.  
  
Shinji was on page 366 of the book read and was just about to fall asleep himself. Holding his head up with one hand, he suddenly collapsed, snoring almost as loud as Misato sensei. The students around him giggled slightly, but they themselves were pretty much trying to do the same. Asuka wadded up a spitball, making sure it was nice and juicy, and placed it in her deadly straw of death. Snickering slightly, she took aim and was about to send her signature message to a sleeping Shinji when he suddenly woke up. Asuka scowled, her fun ruined.  
  
"Eh?" Shinji looked at his notebook screen in confusion. Misato always enabled chat block while she slept. The only ones who had the programs to bypass the lock out program were him, Toji, Hikari, and Asuka and Kensuke (who had made it of course).  
  
*Will You Receive Message from IceQueen?*  
  
  
Kensuke looked over his shoulder and gave him a small wink. Figures.  
  
IceQueen: Hi  
  
UnnoticedLank: Who is this?  
  
IceQueen: Rei, duh  
  
UnnoticedLank: Uh...hi. Kensuke, right?  
  
IceQueen: Yup. so what's yer name, panty peeker.  
  
UnoticedLank: Shinji Ikari. what do you want.  
  
IceQueen: lol why so mean? c'mon, i wont bite.  
  
UnnoticedLank: hah! I'M the one being mean? you're the one who embarrassed me an asuka in front of the whole class today!  
  
IceQueen: wtf, you were starin at my underwear this morning! U got what you deserved.  
  
There was a small beep and a message from someone new.  
*Sigh*   
  
IKillBakas1344: hey, who u talking to?  
  
UnnoticedLank: nobody. u done with the reading?  
  
IKillBakas1344: I can see you typing with someone else, baka, stop lying to me.  
  
IceQueen: is it always this boring in here?  
  
UnnoticedLank: yeah. brb, k?  
  
IceQueen: heh, be quick  
  
UnnoticedLank: I'm talking to Toji, y?  
  
IKillBakas1344: nice try  
Shinji took a quick peek over his shoulder at Toji. He was sleeping soundly, muttering something softly about Misato and hand lotion.  
  
IceQueen: who u talkin to?  
  
Shinji tried thinking up an excuse, but by the furious typing sound going on a few seats behind he figured he was too late.  
  
IKillBakas1344: it's that new bitch isn't it? just block her an talk to me  
  
IceQueen: it's that redhead bitch isn't it? just block her an talk to me  
  
IKillBakas1344: Shinji?  
  
IceQueen: Shinji?  
  
IKillBakas1344: hey  
  
IceQueen: hey  
  
IKillBakas1344: you don't stop talkin to her, i'm gonna beat the living shiz out of you at lunch  
  
IceQueen: you don't stop talkin to her, i'm gonna beat the living crap out of you at lunch  
  
IKillBakas1344: seriously shinji, what the hell. i'm your oldest childhood friend, why the heck are you talkin to her instead of me??  
  
IceQueen: c'mon shinji, what do you see in that dumb wench anyways? c'mon, you're makin me depressed.  
  
IKillBakas1344: you lamo, you're seriously dead when I get to you. I'm gonna have to kick the crap out of that blue slut too.  
  
IceQueen: you lamo, I actually thought u might have good taste but I guess not. now I'm gonna have to kick the crap out of that red whore.  
  
IKillBakas1344: ...shinji?  
  
IceQueen: ...shinji?  
  
IKillBakas1344: alright, sry. whatever, u can talk to whoever u want to, jus stop ignoring me. shinji?  
  
IceQueen: alright, sry. whatever, u can talk to whoever u want to, jus stop ignoring me. shinji?  
  
IKillBakas1344: Shinji!  
  
IceQueen: Shinji!!  
  
Both of the girls simultaneously looked at the hated brown haired boy. He was sleeping soundly, muttering something softly about Misato and hand lotion. Asuka nearly exploded, veins popping out of her forehead, eyes remarkably demon-like. Rei, on the other hand, simply looked at Shinji and with an amused smirk. There was a simultaneous rip and crumple of paper, which none of the sleeping students noticed. A few boring seconds later, two megaton spit balls collided on both sides of Ikari's poor head. The combined impact wasn't a *splat!* or even a *splush!* but more of a giant  
  
*SPLOOSHA!!*  
  
A few kids were slightly roused as Shinji flailed his arms violently, trying to get spit and paper out of his hair, but most of them just asked for "five more minutes, mom," and went back to snoozing. Shinji looked up, down, and all around for his attacker. Wiping the spit off his temples with a kleenex, utterly disgusted, he walked back to his desk, eyeing Asuka menacingly. He fell back down in his seat and was snoring in thirty seconds flat. Asuka glared at Shinji as if she was determined to bore a hole through his brain. With startle, she realized Rei was grinning at her. She promptly flipped her off.  
Just then, the bell ring with a jolt and the kids groggily collected themselves to walk out to lunch. As Shinji walked out the door, rubbing his eyes, Asuka came up behind him and gave him a rather violent shove/tackle/death blow that sent him flailing out the door.  
  
"HEY! What was that for?"  
  
Asuka nearly kicked him in the groin as he scrambled out of the way, running in the general direction of the cafeteria.  
  
"Shinji, you are SO dead!!"  
  
Behind them leisurely came Rei who still had the amused simper stuck on her face.  
As the last student walked out of the classroom, Kensuke brought out a small blanket from a nearby cabinet He gently placed it on Misato's sleeping body with as much love and tender care he could muster, tucking her in around her chair. Reaching for the bottom drawer of her desk, he brought out her brown sack containing a bottle of "apple juice, I freaking swear it's apple juice!" Positioning it in plain view, he turned off the lights and tiptoed out the door.  
  
End of chapter two. It seems really short, I know, but just wait and I'll update soon. I'm trying to alternate between writing a chapter of this fic and my other fic every other day. You'll most likely see an update in two days. Until then, ciao  
  
oh! and review...or else the monkey apes will get you...MONKEY APES!! MAAAAAA!!!!! 


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